What Catwoman Means to Me

If you know me, you have probably been the victim of me fangirling about Selena Kyle, Catwoman. Catwoman comics are my go to for anything, I absolutely adore them. When asked why I like Catwoman, I'll give the superficial answers: she plays by her own rules, she's a strong woman: THE femme fatale, she's beautiful in any imagining of her. If I had the opportunity to become Selena Kyle, I would think seriously hard about it. Didn't expect that part did you?

 Here's a little bit about me:

Several years ago, I would have jumped at the opportunity to become anyone, especially a drop dead gorgeous super thief, even if my facebook relationship status would have to change to "It's Complicated." This was before I started to see myself through the fog.

In high school during my junior year, maybe only half the school year into it something happened. I, who had a group of friends I could talk books or boys with, basketball player, softball player, flutist, youth and government participant, thespian, bibliophile changed somehow. I lost that spark, the thing that made me care about doing things at all, let alone well... it just fizzled out. I trudged through the days, at first trying to pretend like everything was okay, assuring teachers and the counselor that I was fine, but then I just stopped pretending. I forgot what it was like to be happy and because of this the group of friends I thought would be there for me just started leaving me out of conversations until I became almost entirely invisible unless someone was making fun of me. It's high school, the bullies like easy targets.

This continued until I was attempting to get through college while not on academic probation due to the days I was unable to climb out of bed, let alone get the required homework done. Finally one night I swallowed a handful of pills that I had smuggled into my room and climbed into bed to wait for death. I don't remember anything until about 5pm the next day, I don't remember if I had managed to go to the bathroom and throw up the pills or if I had simply not taken enough but I woke up still unhappy but somehow relieved to see the sunshine. I started researching. Wishing for death, the scars I covered up on my arms with oversized hoodies, they weren't me... this wasn't who I wanted to be and I finally realized that something had to be wrong. The next day I went to the doctors and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I started taking a medication that I still take today and slowly began to rebuild my life.

First was trying to remember what having fun was like again, it may sound strange but I couldn't remember what made me happy or how to enjoy a day. Through the months of self discovery I found comic books, my first hero actually wasn't Catwoman, it was X-23. I devoured the series and then DC launched their New 52. I saw the Catwoman comic on the shelf and there was a click in my mind, I grabbed it and read it that day at a coffee shop. Shortly after that I took the next step: My brother had been dating a girl, we'll call her Aislin, and he encouraged me to talk to her.

After a little bit of talking, I invited Aislin to what would be both of our first comic book convention. We laughed, and talked, and I left with a bag full of Catwoman comics. That was 2 years ago. At that point I realized I was hooked: Batgirl is great, Batwoman is pretty cool, there's a connection I feel with Catwoman.

Maybe it's that nobody really understands what goes on in her head, maybe it's the cat scratches she uses as a weapon. I had used blades as a weapon too only instead of using them on others, I used them on myself. I had been a cutter for awhile, I have not cut in about a year. I had used my cats as story to explain the scratches to get people who saw them when I pulled up my sleeves even before I discovered Catwoman, people always drop it after that.

Throughout the process of making new friends and learning that real friends won't stop talking to you because you're depressed or hyperactive, sometimes in the same day, discovering table-top games thanks to Aislin, and meeting a very special man who I share a strong connection to (also thanks to Aislin), Catwoman had been there through it all. She had been a distraction on the really bad days, a rush of excitement when new issues came out, and an ever growing connection as I continue to dive into the story surrounding Catwoman.

Tomorrow, Aislin and I will again go to that small comic book convention that was our first step into a really good friendship that has brought so much happiness into my life. I hope to find more Catwoman comics.